I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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