just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize