I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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