how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
