you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just invented taco cereal.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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