Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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