Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
