the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
