Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
