she looked like the before picture.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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