dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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