I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Randomize
