she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
