She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize