what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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