someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
