Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
