dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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