Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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