new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
