I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
