I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
