and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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