Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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