we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
