My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
