Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
