peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize