So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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