Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
