Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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