I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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