she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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