how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
