my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
