i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
