so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
