I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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