Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
