i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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