I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
