Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
