pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
