I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
