But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Randomize
