On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
im six kinds of drunk right now
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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