I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize