Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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