Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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