I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's rum buckets o'clock
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
