UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Randomize
