i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
