My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just invented taco cereal.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
