I heard we made out
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
