i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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