By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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