If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
