Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
