dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
