i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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