i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize