Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
