I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
never play flip cup with pint glasses
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
