Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
operation have a gay friend backfired
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
