My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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