did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
im holly from the hills drunk
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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