youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize