You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
