My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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