so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
