he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
