I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
